About My Father.

About My Father

My father once told me “you don’t know anything about injustice”

He’s right I do not know anything about injustice, but I do know what it feels like to wait 5 years for that police officer to “get back to me”

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know what it is like to dream of sitting in that court room and hear a wise judge’s mellow voice as the sentencing part of the trial comes

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know about that annoyance you get when detectives and officers ask you if you want something to drink as you wait to tell your story just a few more times

Maybe this time they’ll catch him

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know the feeling of hope rushing through your body as the officer says “it won’t be long just a couple of weeks I promise it won’t take months or anything like that”

And I know feeling that hope again as it pours through my body as I mark the day that it happened year after year

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know seeing pictures of him, an all-star athlete, getting recognized by colleges when all he should be getting recognized for is the pain he caused or at the very least as a law-breaker.

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know the finger prints of someone who was supposed to protect me running through my body

I do not know anything about injustice, but I do know the blood and body of a child flowing out of my person like a force of nature

Maybe it was a blessing, maybe they were protecting it from such a twisted world

I do not know anything about injustice but I know the emptiness that follows after he leaves when he knows he is planted in you

I do not know anything of injustice but I do know how hard it is to hold your own hair back as your arms are parallel over a toilet and your head is about 8 inches away from the water

I know how many times I said “I hate you” while I was on the bathroom floor at 3 in the morning with my only conscious thoughts revolving around your absence

I know feeling like a fool because if he really did love me he would’ve been there on that floor with me

I know the tiredness of my body and lack of will to do anything

I know confusing people when I seem perfectly happy one minute but snap at the next

I know the hardening of my abdomen

I know the guilt I felt having giving up my education to go experience this… alone

But it justifies it since it only lasted about a month, right?

I do not know anything of injustice but I do know the look on peoples’ faces as I flinch when they place their hand on my arm

I know having to say “sorry I just don’t like being touched” about four times daily

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know I must take my antidepressant every night because of the actions of others

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know spending my sanity at the expense of having good grades

I know trying harder than anyone else

I know AP classes and college seminars

I know constantly googling “what SAT or ACT scores and GPA do you have to have to get into…”

I know doing all this so I can one day go to law school and learn about injustice so I can help others from the things I know nothing about

My father said “I thought you were intelligent but clearly not” as he drives me home from spending my free time at school preparing for the future

Maybe that’s why I do not know anything of injustice because I am not intelligent enough to grasp it

I do not know anything about injustice, but I do know the moment I stopped believing in love, not the first time when I was just being rebellious but the second time when I decided I never want to experience another person ever again because of you

I do not know anything about injustice but I know the swallowing of my pride as I sit through men making sexual assault jokes

I know I am just a body with nothing more to it in their eyes

I know no matter how smart I am I will only ever be, a body.

I do not know anything of injustice, but I know wondering if all my name will ever be remembered on, is on the label of a cold case box being thrown away 94 years from now

I do not know anything about injustice but I do know picturing myself coming back in 9 years to take my own case and fight for what I know nothing of

I do not know anything about injustice

I know pain

I know suffering

I know feeling like death itself doesn’t even want you

I know PTSD

I know fighting through every waking moment of every day

I do not know anything about injustice, because for there to be injustice there would have had to be justice in this world in the first place.

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