When I Happened To Look Into Some Eyes

When I looked in your eyes I saw love and a home and a future

I saw safety and Friday nights and a smile that became engraved into my person like a tattoo or a scar

I saw us in the east coast and Europe and Asia and any continent that could ever be formed

I saw the good in you I watched your guard come down just enough for you to love me for a split second

And then for a moment I went blind, I couldn’t find a pair of eyes to look into I got lost in the void your eyes were missing and it doesn’t matter how many “have you seen me?” posters I plastered all over the city I could never find them again I could never find you again

When I looked in another’s eyes I still saw you

I saw everything that you were I saw everything that we were I saw happiness that I can’t get back

I saw my own guilt reflecting to me because I knew that I could never fall in love with their eyes the way that I fell in love with you I mean yours

I saw an epiphany creeping up behind me and carving out a piece of me like some type of sculpture with the foundation being my misery and my need for you

When I looked in my eyes I still saw you

I couldn’t find myself but then again, I haven’t really known who “myself’ is in a long time or maybe I never have- I couldn’t find my will to live I couldn’t find us I couldn’t find my sanity all I saw was red permeating through like a force of nature

When I looked with my eyes I saw myself clinging onto the pillow that you rested your head on covering it with my tears because you weren’t there to support me or should I say us no not us as in you and me but us as in me and your child or what would’ve been your child

With far too many antidepressants in my system I forget what your eyes look like

When I looked in your eyes again I saw your doubts and unanswered questions

I saw the feelings you said you had for me had it been love or not I saw it for the small moments of eye contact I made with you those two days

I saw saudade and unsaid words

And instead of running to you and having you hold me like all the times I wished you would for the past I don’t know how many months I turn around and tell myself it’s not my place to look in to your eyes anymore

Instead of yelling at you for leaving me vulnerable, broken, and unsupported while something was dying inside of me both literally and metaphorically I turn my back to you

Instead of telling you how much I love you and how much I will always love you I go into the restroom and cry as the pain of you leaving and of your unborn child disappearing fills me and drains me all over again

Instead of crying on your shoulder I lay down and pretend I’m asleep so you won’t have to see how weak I’ve been for the past whatever

I don’t even know how long it’s been the only way I count months now and days is when my 30-day prescription runs out

When I look in your eyes I see myself. Because all you are is a mirror to the love I thought I deserved (at least that’s what my therapist told me).

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